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Ante-partum or just fed up?

This is my first pregnancy and I’m 40. I feel as though I may be suffering from ante-partum depression, but on the other hand, the issues I’m having aren’t new ones to our relationship. (To be clear, I have never suffered from depression, but my husband and I have had the same relationship issues since the very beginning.) I’m not sure if these are signs of ante-partum depression, or if this pregnancy is just causing me to have no filters and not care what anyone - even my husband - thinks anymore.

Other than the beginning of our relationship (which is always great, isn’t it?) our sex life is very boring and non-existent. Over time, I’ve come to realize that it’s because if I don’t initiate, it doesn’t happen - and I’m really over it. That has been our pattern for the past 4+ years. We have sex, on average, once per month. This is another reason I’m shocked that I’m pregnant. Did I mention we’re newlyweds?

We had said that we wanted to get married and have a baby, but now that I’m pregnant...it’s just not what I expected. We had planned on starting to “try”, but I got pregnant a little sooner than we had planned and before we technically started trying. He is happy about the pregnancy and a very supportive partner. I cannot complain about that part. I thought I would love this segment of my life, and I’m beyond miserable.

He has never made me feel desired or wanted. Like I said, any sex we’ve had has always been initiated by me. I’ve always been confident in myself and had high self-esteem, which I think is why I’ve always initiated with him. This is a recurring issue that I’ve talked to him about. His not initiating makes me feel undesirable. He DOES NOT see it. He doesn’t see that he doesn’t initiate. By the way, his ‘initiating’ is asking if I want to “do it”, or something else similar to the verbiage of a 14-year-old, or slapping me on the thigh with his hard penis. He’s 42.

Being pregnant with a changing body has not helped my confidence. And the fact that I hear him jerking off in a room not even 5 feet away from me disgusts me. I mean, absolutely, positively DISGUSTS me. As in, makes me nauseous. I cannot use the word ‘disgusts’ strongly enough. I do not want to look at him, I don’t want him anywhere near me, and I sure as hell don’t want him to touch me. I’m actually not sure how I’ve managed to still share a bed with him.

I feel very strongly that I do not want to continue a physical/intimate relationship with him. I’m so over trying to make that part of our relationship work and at this point, I just do not have the energy to give any more.

With all due respect, I’m not looking for suggestions on how to change my view of the matter, or why I should look at things differently to try to change my opinion, or why I should be happy that he’s jerking off and not cheating on me (seriously...I’ve seen people post that!). I am looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation desiring the same outcome, and how you’ve managed to make it work. We are married, both work full time jobs, and live in the same house. Is what I’m looking for doable?

Comments

  • You have literally just explained my life. I’m just one year younger than you, we aren’t actually married, and we already have toddler together. I have told him repeatedly about his lack of initiative to have any sexual contact and I’m shocked I’m even pregnant (I imitated this time too and I’m 7months along being the last time we had sex was 7+ months ago). We live together and haven’t slept in same bed since baby #1 came. 4years now. I’m so over it. I am a very attractive woman and Lord knows I could be with a man if I wanted to— as even going to the grocery store I can’t tell you how many bedroom eyes I get. But yet he still doesn’t seem to know how to initiate any sex. He also does that shit with hump my leg like he’s funny or I’m supposed to think that’s his way of wanting sex. I don’t even get the “let’s do it” just air humping and 14 yr old shit like that it truly makes me want to vomit. He’s 44 years old. I have been going through this for some time and honestly thought I was the ONLY person on the planet to endure this kind of torture from their partner. I’m sorry your suffering with this same crap. This sucks. I have ALWAYS been the aggressor when it came to sex but I just don’t want to be “the one” asking for it anymore. It makes me feel like I’m-less than what I am, having to always be the one wanting or making a move to have sex. I don’t want to make it work anymore we kind of just live together as roommates not even as parents bc he’s not much in that department either. I pay every household bill and buy all the diapers and almost all the food too so he doesn’t truly contribute as much as I do. He is too exhausted after work to acknowledge his child and he’s not very nice anyways (our son has adhd) so I just keep to myself and don’t really give a shit what he does at this point. We don’t fight or argue bc it gets us no place so we just don’t do it or almost never. I’m the primary caregiver or mostly the ONLY caregiver to kids and I guess I have just accepted this as my existence for now. I’m sure one day I will change and things will get crazy bc he isn’t ever getting any from a woman, he can’t, it’s like he doesn’t know how? So when the time comes I’m SURE he’s not going to be as happy as he says he would be if I met someone else especially if that other person payed attention to his children and they talk about him and could care less about their un involved father. It’s a real shame. I was smart enough not to give his last name and won’t with this baby either. I’m not even sure he’s going on the birth certificate at this point. (He made a comment about DNA once so that kind of made me feel like well after the test then bc Lord knows I have no life let alone sex elsewhere). I know he started playing “nice” bc labor is closer but I’m no dummy and I refuse to allow him to manipulate me into anything just bc he’s been extra nice lately. That doesn’t work for me. Idk if there’s a private message thing on here but if so feel free to message me back and you can certainly vent to me. RANT OVER.
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