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Ante-partum or just fed up?

This is my first pregnancy and I’m 40. I feel as though I may be suffering from ante-partum depression, but on the other hand, the issues I’m having aren’t new ones to our relationship. (To be clear, I have never suffered from depression, but my husband and I have had the same relationship issues since the very beginning.) I’m not sure if these are signs of ante-partum depression, or if this pregnancy is just causing me to have no filters and not care what anyone - even my husband - thinks anymore.

Other than the beginning of our relationship (which is always great, isn’t it?) our sex life is very boring and non-existent. Over time, I’ve come to realize that it’s because if I don’t initiate, it doesn’t happen - and I’m really over it. That has been our pattern for the past 4+ years. We have sex, on average, once per month. This is another reason I’m shocked that I’m pregnant. Did I mention we’re newlyweds?

We had said that we wanted to get married and have a baby, but now that I’m pregnant...it’s just not what I expected. We had planned on starting to “try”, but I got pregnant a little sooner than we had planned and before we technically started trying. He is happy about the pregnancy and a very supportive partner. I cannot complain about that part. I thought I would love this segment of my life, and I’m beyond miserable.

He has never made me feel desired or wanted. Like I said, any sex we’ve had has always been initiated by me. I’ve always been confident in myself and had high self-esteem, which I think is why I’ve always initiated with him. This is a recurring issue that I’ve talked to him about. His not initiating makes me feel undesirable. He DOES NOT see it. He doesn’t see that he doesn’t initiate. By the way, his ‘initiating’ is asking if I want to “do it”, or something else similar to the verbiage of a 14-year-old, or slapping me on the thigh with his hard penis. He’s 42.

Being pregnant with a changing body has not helped my confidence. And the fact that I hear him jerking off in a room not even 5 feet away from me disgusts me. I mean, absolutely, positively DISGUSTS me. As in, makes me nauseous. I cannot use the word ‘disgusts’ strongly enough. I do not want to look at him, I don’t want him anywhere near me, and I sure as hell don’t want him to touch me. I’m actually not sure how I’ve managed to still share a bed with him.

I feel very strongly that I do not want to continue a physical/intimate relationship with him. I’m so over trying to make that part of our relationship work and at this point, I just do not have the energy to give any more.

With all due respect, I’m not looking for suggestions on how to change my view of the matter, or why I should look at things differently to try to change my opinion, or why I should be happy that he’s jerking off and not cheating on me (seriously...I’ve seen people post that!). I am looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation desiring the same outcome, and how you’ve managed to make it work. We are married, both work full time jobs, and live in the same house. Is what I’m looking for doable?
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